Cansado

I like the place I'm in. From the outside, I don't know how much it really amounts to. But from the inside looking out, I can feel a real difference in my being. Young and Inexperienced. I guess that defines most of the people I know. Me definitely being included in that group. But still we feel like we are on top of the world, unaware that people have been making our same mistakes for eons.

Acting. Sometimes I wonder exactly how much time in one day is spent acting by a normal person. I know I do it a good amount. As soon as someone starts questioning me about my goals and future moves, I put up this wall. A wall of whatever they want to hear. A wall of whatever it takes to make them stop. I guess in a way I'm a people pleaser. Doing whatever I can to make people think I'm doing the right thing, when in the end I don't nearly enough to take myself in the direction I want to go. Silly how our priorities can cripple us.

I've been working on new songs lately and they are all really different from each other. I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I am still searching for my identity. Feeling out different personas and attitudes, wondering if they are the right ones for me. I have a friend here who does Vedic Astrology and he read my chart for funsies. He told me I would be searching for a long time, and that I would always have the feeling that I can do something better than what I am currently doing.

And if thats true then I guess I have something to look forward to.

Irony

It's funny how a mind can change. 

What one feels in a moment can dissipate like the last breath of a spark. 

Still we somehow make decisions that can alter the courses of our fleeting lives.

 I feel that fleetingness.

 Kind of like a hurtling, speeding madness. 

I can catch snippets of conversation but nothing can really stick. 

I guess you're never really as prepared as you think you are. 

And even as unprepared as we can get there is a seemingly never ending battle to produce fresh content. 

I get it. 

I would even go so far as to say I like it. 

It's a challenge. 

Something new. 

Something never done before.

But sometimes I do wonder, just exactly how to act. 

How can I fit in? 

I remember unceremoniously cutting off the piece of me that excluded me from the group all those years ago. 

It's ironic 

because now I fight a constant uphill battle 

just to differentiate myself

 from 

my 

group of 

peers.